two

"you smoke too much", says the doctor. "and drink too much coffee". she's in her early 40's and looks extremely bored and tired. "you've had your results for a while now, so you should know that too much fat is bad for you, so switch to vegetables", she says, "salads. natural juices. soups". words hit like bullets. "but no dressing. no spices. no fast food junk. no carbonated soft drinks. and, most important, remember that sugar is your enemy". the good doctor wears stylish black glasses and has short red hair

"with the type of work that you do, you don't get enough exercise", says the doctor. i stare at the pictures on the wall behind her. there's a photo of two young children on the desk and they're smiling, unaware that they have a 37% greater risk of cancer if they eat too much fat. "you spend way too much time indoors". and i think, if you're an optimist and have a positive outlook on life, modern medicine can cure it all in less than 15 minutes. on the wall, there's an ad that says "don't lose hope".
"remember: exercise, but don't overdo it - rise efforts gradually. and don't spend too much time exposed to the sun". she goes, "avoid air conditioning and ice cream at all costs". all of a sudden, a healthy lifestyle looks as improbable as travelling to the moon this month. "it's a good thing we had you checked throughout", and now she's a bit concerned. "because extended use of the computer is definitely affecting your eyesight. and did you know that chronical fatigue is a leading cause of heart attacks?".

"so, is it serious?", i ask, "i mean, this thing i've got". and the doctor, academically trained for eight years and a practicing professional for another fourteen, just shrugs and says "if it was serious, you'd be dead by now".

in the car someone is singing about lost youth and hope. not that i'm in a very good mood, but music nowdays is all about whining. and this guy goes "i'll never get over you...". modern media is becoming just a replacement for real life. now really, in a place where there's more than one person, how long does it take before someone asks "have you seen that movie last night?". "did you see that on the news?". "can you believe how fat she got after her last movie?". replacements. who the fuck cares? and still everyone talks about the latest dance hits on the radio. the greatest robbery of all times featured in all of today's papers. the new car of very-important-person-whatever. the exciting game last night. people don't talk too much about themselves, because there isn't that much to tell, really.

i stopped watching tv a year ago. not that this was a deliberate decision. not really. in today's modern times, if you don't watch tv, you're some sort of an outcast. there's definitely something wrong with you. it just happened that the cables in the walls got cut off somehow, when i moved some stuff around the house. and then i dropped the remote and it broke. how many signs do you want?
i pass by a grafitti that reads "jesus is coming". next to it, there's an ad that says "we can solve all your problems".
the first days, you miss the latest car accidents on the news. sharks and crocodiles on nature channels. you miss not knowing who's the most famous belgian painter of the eighteenth century and not being up to date with the latest misfortunes of soap opera star whatever. the first days without tv you feel like you've lost a loved one. or got fired from your dream job. anyway, if you survive the first few weeks, you're over it. so this brings us here. someone just asks "did you see that shit on the news last night?". someone says "did you catch that movie saturday evening?". and i go "i don't watch tv". the looks i get, you don't want to see. i'm diseased.

so i'm home. the moment i enter the house, the phone rings. i take my time to unlock the door. and the phone still rings. i think that if i give it enough time, it will stop. and the phone still rings. the way it goes, it looks like my phone ringing will be the only sound heard on judgement day. and when the judgement and everything is over, it will still ring. "hello, what took you?", this panicked woman says, "could i speak to doctor whatever?". i think for a few moments and just say "no". "but sir, you don't understand, this is an emergency". and the woman is almost crying. i take my time to turn on the computer. to undress. to drink a glass of milk. to the person on the phone i just say "sorry, you can't speak to the doctor, he's on vacation in new zealand". and i hang up.

so there seems to be this thing with modern appliances in my house. with the phone lines, there's a different story. when you first get your phone line installed in a new house, there's always the possibility that your phone number was used by someone else for some time before it was assigned to you. or that your phone number is just one digit different than some hospital's number. and if you're extremely lucky, there's always the possibility of your phone number being similar to several different numbers, assigned to various institutions. and people make mistakes. it's only human nature.

some day, all worries left behind you go to sleep. but the phone rings in the middle of the night and someone says "hi, could you write down these parameters i've got for you?". or "is doctor whatever available?". in the mornings, just when you're about to go to work the phone rings and someone says "extenstion onehundredfourteen please". or "there's a problem with the elevator, could you come and take a look?". or even "i'd like to speak to someone at the gate". at the beginning you're helpful and friendly and all, but when you reach the point where you get ten such calls a day, you just say "this doctor has transferred to a different hospital". or "i'm sorry, i'm just a caretaker, don't know them doctors". when someone calls and asks "hi, is this the state mint?", you just start disconnecting the phone for several days. you turn ringing off. you consider changing your phone number. you might think this is all made up, but the way it feels for real, you don't want to know.

so, i go to the kitchen for my daily allowance of vitamins, minerals and essential oligoelements. but the phone rings again. four times out of five it's not a call intended for me, but still i answer. and someone at the end of the line goes "thank god i caught you, how're you doing?". i don't even bother to see if this is someone i know. and this person says "i've got something very important to tell you". but there are days when you can't take another important thing. all your life you're overloaded with important things and you still miss the essentials. i hang up.

to be continued